Looking
back at the history of the Emerald Isle, it's clear that one thing has
remained a constant. No, not whiskey. Unfortunately, I'm talking about
a history of rowdiness (after all, we get the word "donnybrook" from
the Irish).
Fighting has long been ingrained in the culture of Ireland, so today we've taken some of Ireland's favorite sons and daughters and pitted them against each other. That's right, it's an Irish free-for-all, our very own pay-per-view bonanza. I think we'll call it "Erin Go Brawl."
Round One
Colin Farrell vs. Liam Neeson: Kicking things off in our Dublin Duke-out are two of the country's biggest actors. While Neeson clearly has Farrell in pure size, it's the film choices of the Antrim-born Neeson that really put him over the edge. Farrell does have some great ones to his credit but for every "In Bruges" and "Phone Booth," there is a "S.W.A.T." and a "Daredevil." Neeson on the other hand can credit films like "Batman Begins," "Michael Collins" and "Schindler's List," for which he garnered an Oscar nomination. Round one, Neeson.
Round Two
Michael Flatley vs. a six-pack of Guinness: Granted, the self-proclaimed Lord of the Dance could run circles around the inanimate pile of delicious dark goodness that is the six-pack of Guinness. You know what? Who cares? If I want something that will really get me moving, and not just below the waist, I'm going for the Guinness. Match, Guinness.
Round Three
Potato vs. Cabbage: Oh boy, it's on now. When these two Irish food staple heavyweights throw down, iron chefs quake in their boots. But when you really look at the tale of the tape, the battle comes down to the entourage. Entourage? Well yeah, have you ever just eaten cabbage or a potato by themselves? Granted some of you may have, but most of us prefer these items covered in broccoli and cheese or perhaps in a soup or maybe even fried up with some bacon. And since in my book bacon always wins, we're giving the TKO to cabbage.
Round Four
Marty McFly vs. RoboCop: Marty McFly may be able to travel back in time but nobody messes with RoboCop. (Real name: Alex J. Murphy) Then again, if McFly could find Murphy's parents and somehow split them up, he could make it so that Murphy never existed. I'll buy that for a dollar. In a stunning upset, the win goes to "Hellooo, McFly."
Round Five
John McClane vs. Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle: "The French Connection" is an amazing movie and "Popeye" Doyle, the film's star played by Gene Hackman, is a genuine tough guy. But John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, took out an entire posse of German terrorists including Alan Rickman in "Die Hard." As cool as Doyle might be, he ain't nothin' compared to barefoot glass-walking, window-breaking John McClane. Game over, Doyle.
Round Six
The Leprechaun Ladder Match: What's more fun than a trio of tiny gold smugglers battling for supremacy in a no-holds-barred fight to the finish? Each of the following contestants has plenty to crow about.
The first leprechaun is the star of a slew of campy teen horror films called "Leprechaun." He's famous for scaring the wits off some unsuspecting teens and that's about it. We'll give him the nod over Lucky, the Lucky Charms mascot, a fella whose only claim to fame is that he claims to be the overlord of pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers.
But when it comes down to brass tacks, it's the University of Notre Dame mascot that pulls out the win after interference by about 12 million rabid, drunk Golden Dome football fans.
The Main Event
Enya vs. King Bono: In the predominantly Catholic land of the green, most residents pray to their favorite patron saints. Know who the saints look to when they need help? Bono. The U2 frontman has not only graced the universe with a plethora of amazing music, but he's also helped in the world of politics, hunger and human rights as well.
While Enya is Ireland's top-selling solo artist, one can only take so much "Orinoco Flow" before impaling yourself on a fence just to dull the pain. Can't say that about "Where the Streets Have No Name" or anything off of "Achtung Baby." As Bono likes to remind us, there's a lot of suffering in the world and he's gonna dole out just a little more in this stunning victory over Enya.
Leave a comment