One-Liners

Rodney Dangerfield

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness. After I was born.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it cause of that song?
 
Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. A wall is relentless.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.